The last couple of days have been filled with decisions and choices I’ve been forced to make, centred around my long history of plateau-ed progress in fencing. Recently, I’ve been so heavily pressured and beat down by my inability to make it to the top, no matter how hard I’ve tried. Two big emotional breakdowns within the last few months resulted because of all the weight placed on my shoulders, and though I’ve continuously surrendered all to God it’s been a difficult struggle to get through.
I reached the point where I stopped trying. It wasn’t intentional, though I’ve been working so hard for so long with nearly no effect; like running on a treadmill hoping you’ll physically get somewhere. It was pretty much the point where it took a lot of talking and dynamic conversation around the subject, but my family and I were at a stalemate.
Do I work to please everyone and at the same time do it for myself and for the glory of God? I was stuck in quicksand, I didn’t know what to do. The stress that this obstacle has brought into my life made me think that I was burning out, unable to cope with doing well in school, training to be at national levels, serving with the youth that He has such a heart for, loving Him and being myself.
Having this discussion with my family tonight didn’t bring me any closer to making a decision. It was something God-sent that did. A pastor from my previous church turned up at the restaurant I was at for a normal dinner, when we had just about paid for the. After all formalities my parents asked how she was.
To sum it all up: “I’m pressing on. That’s what we do in life, we continue to press on no matter what obstacles come our way. I’m not speaking from head knowledge, but from heart experience. I came from a season of tears, and one night I decided that it is enough. I’m going to stop crying. I’m going to let go and allow God to work. The devil will try and try to make you suffer, to bring you pain and discourage you. Don’t allow him to take root. Don’t give up.”
Probability and statistics will likely tell you that it’s a coincidence. But I know, from the heart, that it is God’s uncanny timing and divine hand in my life. All Pastor J said was encouragement enough to keep me going, but I believe that it was God speaking to me through her.
Where do I go from here? Only He knows. All I know is that He will keep me going.
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny himself.” – 2 Timothy 2:13